Some Thoughts on Body Image

I was reading some old emails I'd written nearly three years ago to Caleb when he was living in England and I was at home in Cincinnati, and was a bit surprised at how much I forgot what I was like at age 18. One of the topics I spent quite a bit of time writing about was body image and how I was battling with jealousy and laziness (the latter of which has not changed very much over these last three years...) and how it was tying in to my body insecurity.

A little background - when I was at college (for 8 months), I didn't take care of myself as well as I could have. Generally, I ate anything I wanted, whenever I felt like it. And I easily gained 15-20 pounds within those short months. I think it was late April when I decided to quit school and move back home. (Caleb was to be home early May.) I got my old job back at Ruby Tuesday, and was trying to lose the weight I'd gained.

So there was some reason to my insecurity. I was just not happy with how I fit and looked in clothing.

All this to say... I think I'm finally growing out of this insecurity, this pressure to look like a Hollywood star. I realized that after being pregnant, gaining nearly 60 pounds, and having a baby, I feel more secure in how I look now than I did when I had a nearly perfect 19-year-old body when I married Caleb.

I still have quite a bit of weight to lose from having Cillian, but I am so much happier with myself than I was then, which doesn't make all that much logical sense, but there you have it! I haven't given up on getting back down to my wedding weight (which was absolutely fine, by the way - I don't know what I had to complain about, now that I look back on it...) And for future pregnancies, I know to try much harder at exercising all the way through and eating more healthily. Because no, you cannot just eat whatever you want and joke around saying (and then doing), "Oh it's for the baby...", "The baby is craving triple fudge delight ice cream again...", "I'm eating for two now..." It DOES ADD UP, and I know it for certain now.

So, I'm just figuring out that I'm one of those people who can't afford NOT to watch what they eat, because I am not blessed with those rare, lucky genes. And that is fine. Some people can eat whatever they want, hardly exercise, and have as many kids as they want without getting a single stretch mark. I am just not one of those lucky few. I will always have to exercise to some degree if I want to feel good and look good. That is simply something I have to accept. I've GOT to work for it. It's not going to just happen if I close my eyes and do nothing about it. (And I'm excellent at convincing myself that progress is happening regardless whether or not I'm working for it.) Sad, but true.

I become so frustrated at the tabloids, seeing pictures of stick figured Hollywood actresses and headlines like, "So-and-so loses seventy pounds of baby weight within days of giving birth!" or seeing young moms in bikinis on the beach after a few weeks of having delivered. I'm exaggerating, but you know exactly what I mean.

It's pretty sickening how jealous one can become with merely a glance at a glossy, over-edited, airbrushed magazine cover. And you're not thinking sensibly in that one glance either. You're not thinking, Oh but they've got personal trainers and personal chefs and plastic surgeons helping them out. Nope, I'm usually thinking, Boy, I should be looking that good. I've got more than a few months on her and she's already lost twice as much as I have! And then the angry mental rant takes off in a puff of furious mental smoke...

If only we were all blind. Then we'd have no problem at all because, not only would we be incapable of seeing other women and consequently comparing ourselves to them, we wouldn't be able to see ourselves in the mirror when we're feeling dissatisfied!

Problem solved.

My perception of my body is currently much healthier, and something like this: I just had a baby six months ago, and have lost thirty pounds in that time. I did gain nearly sixty, so I do have about twenty more to lose in order to get down to what I think is a reasonable and achievable goal. My clothes are fitting better now, and proportionally, I like how I look. The pounds are finally starting to just slip off more easily and I'm hardly doing anything about it, but it is motivating me to help the process along by getting back into running and exercising regularly like I was doing last month. I am a 21-year-old mom. And I have energy, I feel pretty good, and I like how I'm looking. I don't LOVE how I look, but it's definitely passable for now. I feel secure.

Compared to thoughts on my body when I was eighteen, I believe it's quite an improvement. I hardly felt like walking out the door let alone wear clothes because I dreaded how I would look in them. It's amazing how going through a pregnancy and realizing that it's not the end of the world if you gain some weight can bring things into a bit of perspective.

You can always lose the weight. But you have to want it. And that's what I've learned. I'm wanting it now. And I actually want to do something about it again.

I think something else that contributed to my opinion of my 18-year-old body was that I often compared (and really, I still do,) myself to slimmer gals. It's not hard to do. In fact, it was pretty much second-nature to me. But I think the more different I became for my age - for example, I didn't know any other married, pregnant 20-year-old when I was expecting Cillian - the more differences there were in my comparisons with other girls, so it became irrelevant. And that's when I became more comfortable and secure. Also, I don't think this continual transformation would be possible without the reassurance of a most adoring husband. Caleb works hard making sure I know that he loves me and wants ME no matter what I look like. But he also balances that with encouragement to exercise and eat healthier because he knows how much better I feel when those two things happen.

And honestly, I have never felt sexier or more attractive than as a young mom, thirty pounds curvier than I was on my wedding day a year and a half ago. It's amazing. And I really hope that all moms, younger or older, can get to a point where they feel great when they look in the mirror. Because there is a balance to be met. Yes, it is important not to be vain and not to be concerned with outwardly appearances, but at the same time, I think it makes such a difference when you are content with how you look and can find (true) beauty when you look at your reflection. That is one of the things which makes us happy people! And more specifically, happy women. Feeling beautiful is very important to us, whether you admit it or not.

So, I just encourage you to be content when you look in that mirror, but at the same time, work hard to be healthy and achieve that comfortable place where you feel your best. If that means exercising and losing ten pounds, DO it! If it means dieting and losing twenty, DO it! You really will feel amazing if you work for what you want. You just have to want it badly enough to change what you're doing to accomplish it all.

Look in that mirror and find something you love and something you want to work on. It's a balance. And it will most likely take some time and some sweat and some patience. Make it possible because you want it enough.

I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful day.


Here's the Quote of the Day:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

~ Albert Einstein

Spirit of Christmas

I have such a great life.

I love my husband and I adore my little son. I live in a home I like very much. My husband has a good job that he likes, I have a piano and can play whenever I need to, and we have a great church family, and plenty of clothing and food.

Plenty... incredible that many people have never experienced the meaning of that word, and I've lived, blessed by it my entire life. I have never lived wanting or lacking the necessities. There are so many material pleasures we indulge in every day that I can't imagine living without. My toaster, for example...

In the Orthodox Church, the Nativity fast (Advent) begins forty days before Nativity, Christmas. I think it's even more difficult than fasting the forty days before Pascha (the Orthodox name for Easter) because we are bombarded by the rambunctious and hasty shopping spirit and merry Christmas music everywhere we turn. Now, don't get me wrong, I think the holiday cheer is wonderful and I absolutely love getting excited for Christmas. But our priests encourage us to be calm in spirit and not to indulge extravagantly before the feast (of Christmas.) That's what celebrating after Christmas is for.

I struggle every year trying to figure out how to act, think and be toward the commercialized Christmas our culture has created. I try to give to the bell ringers stationed at grocery store entrances, with their little red money buckets hanging nearby as they stand out in the cold bundled up like Eskimos. It always seems like a good reminder to give. And I smile at everyone, but I do that all the time, so that's not really anything special.

Whenever there is a fast in the Orthodox Church, there are three things that go together which make up the spirit of the fast: prayer, almsgiving, and fasting. The fasting and almsgiving come easier for me than the prayer part. For some reason, once you decide the menu, it's not the hardest to stick to it if you just don't have those "off-limit" foods around the house.

But praying is harder. You have to stay focused to remain prayerful. And focus takes energy. And for me, energy takes prayer. So it's all a vicious cycle that is so easily deterred by stray thoughts of what I'm going to do after I'm done praying. Or why Cillian is being so wiggly while I'm trying to pray. Or why I'm hungry. Or why I can't stop thinking about what I want to have for breakfast. And on and on. And I rein those thoughts back in and focus again every time I get distracted. But I'm usually on the third or fourth tangent of thoughts before I realize I've strayed mentally, yet again.

Praying is much, much harder.

But the spirit of the fast is a prayerful spirit. The ultimate goal is to be in never ending prayer! I think America would be extraordinary to the point of being unrecognizable if the "Christmas Spirit" became a prayerful one.

So that is my eternal struggle every day, let alone every fasting season. This time of year, it seems hardest because of the hustle and bustle that comes with Christmas. But I suppose the key is to keep trying. To find silence and quiet in the heart and the home for a little bit each day so as to focus your efforts toward prayer, and in prayer, find peace and humility and repentance.

Today was a productive day - I organized Cillian's closet a bit and finished the laundry and started the STOCKINGS!!! Actually, I started the stockings last night. And it's going to take me about as long as I thought. Sewing by hand takes a while! And I'm making them complicated. I like to complicate things. So it'll take extra long. But the important thing is that they are started and I know what to do.

So it was definitely a good day. Cillian and I had a good time today.

Time to wrap it up - I'll end with the Quote of the Day:


"There are three things, my brethren, by which Faith stands firm, devotion remains constant, and virtue endures. They are prayer, fasting, and mercy. Prayer knocks at the door, fasting obtains, mercy receives. Prayer, mercy, and fasting: these three are one, and they give life to each other."

~ St. Peter Chrysologus of Ravenna