Hypocrite

*Warning* - this is going to be a long one...

I'm on my way to figuring out why I've been feeling so aimless recently. Well... not exactly recently. I've been in a "funk" for a while now (probably a good several months), and I really can't seem to put a finger on the problem. I think it might actually be a whole bunch of little problems all happening at once. But I can't be sure...

To get into it a little more, I really have the perfect life. Truly, I do. I worship my husband - the most incredible man I could ever dream of having married, I adore my little son, I stay at home, I don't have school to worry about, and I have the best families and friends imaginable. So what's my freakin' problem?

There's simply something huge missing.

I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm definitely struggling with a decent prayer life. And I'm more than wrestling with my thought life, which is essentially closer to the root of the problem - I'm having trouble being a devout Orthodox Christian. Yes, yes, I know you might be thinking, Well everybody goes through that, it's part of the battle of striving for a godly life. But I feel like this is something more. Or maybe it's the same as it has always been and I finally feel the most compelled to do something about it than ever before.

Really though, it's messing me up. Sometimes I get the feeling like the devil is just confusing me and toying around with my thoughts. I've never been so emotional in my life - and I'm a pretty emotionally-controlled person, or so I've always thought. So that scares me because I don't WANT to be emotional. I'm so exasperated feeling like I'm being ruled by my thoughts. It's exhausting. And it puts a toll on Caleb, which I certainly don't want. I do NOT want to be a burdensome wife with all these problems and being needy and everything on top of that. I want to be independent enough as a wife that I'm not high maintenance.

Now, when I get in these "down-and-out" kind of funks, I'll do things (like cleaning, laundry, playing piano, and other productive things, etc.) - things that make me happy or better at having accomplished something - to get myself out of them. And it works, but only temporarily, which tells me that I'm going to have to do something bigger than just changing my actions. I've got to change my lifestyle. My attitude. My habitual, slothful being.

I am such an enormous, disgusting hypocrite. I go to Liturgy every Sunday, go through the motions, sing, pray, talk to people, and come home and fall into the trap of being a Sunday-Christian. It's loathsome. I do say some kind of morning prayers every morning, but I've got to do more than that. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. I should be acting like it.

I should not be living life at this level of mediocrity. Lord, help me.

I have this daily calendar of the lives of the saints, which is where I've gotten most of the Quotes of the Day from. It's excellent - for each day, it has two Scripture readings (one from the Old Testament, one from the New Testament,) a commemorated saint or saints (and I'm sure that varies each year since there are so many saints for each day of the year,) and their story, then it will have whether or not it's a fasting day and what to fast from, and then it will have a quote from a saint or bishop or elder. It's a wonderful way to begin the day, reading a little something to get you started off on the right foot. My problem is staying on that foot.

In the Orthodox Church, there are several wonderful little prayers to keep one on track throughout the day. The best is the Jesus Prayer - "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." It can be abbreviated in various ways, such as "Lord, have mercy," or even shorter, "Jesus, mercy." Something that goes hand in hand with this prayer is the usage of the prayer rope, which I have, but don't use. Oh, I wear it, but I don't pray with it with the urgency I should. Now for acting out my faith.

I decided on this wonderful quote from, my favorite, Elder Ephraim of the Holy Mountain for today's Quote of the Day.

"I pray that your soul is in good health, for when it is healthy, it has patience in afflictions, it has self-denial with the body and in its thoughts; and it fears neither illnesses nor selfish thoughts. When the soul is healthy, it has love within itself; it does not scandalize other; it endures a brother's harsh words; it does not expose his faults in public; it always has something good to say about his brother; it gives way in quarrels and escapes having bitter thoughts and distress. When the soul is healthy, it does not get angry, complain, talk back, murmur, disobey; it does not follow its own whims, and it does so many other things indicative of spiritual health. This health is what I seek from you; this is what I advise; for this I do pray."

~ Elder Ephraim of the Holy Mountain

Spiritual health. What a great image. I've been going through all the quotes from the year so far and writing out the ones I find most applicable in a quotes journal. Writing them out by hand really helps me internalize them. I'm going to have to include more than just one Quote of the Day for today, since they are so good, and they definitely tie into what I'm writing about for this post.

Basically, I suppose the theme of what I'm trying to say is that I'm having trouble being a striving Orthodox Christian. I don't feel spiritually challenged, and I yearn for that. So I have decided I need to start diving into my faith. I want to learn more about what I believe. I want to try harder at working toward my salvation in being a better wife and mother, in being thankful for the blessings I am so richly endowed with, in taking what I'm given each day and working with it, in finding ways to improve myself as a Christian woman.

Here's a fantastic quote by St. Gregory the Theologian.

"You will never surpass God's generosity, even if you hand over your entire substance and yourself in the bargain. Indeed, to receive - in the truest sense - is to give oneself to God."

That comforts my heart beyond words. I think I've become weakened by the devil's subtle manipulation, and my soul has become wearied with false doubts. I am incredibly blessed, and that is a fact. There is nothing I can do to revoke God's love for me. All I have to do is try to do the best I can with this life He has given me. And I just have to get up and try again. It's as simple as that.

Thanks for reading such a long-winded epistle. Your patience, prayers, and comments are immensely appreciated!

Glory to God for all things!