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Friday, July 29, 2011

Some Thoughts on Marriage

I suppose I'm on an introspective kick recently as far as writing goes, and it is refreshing for me. These are things I enjoy pondering about most - ways of life, and most specifically, the married way of life.

I have been married for little over two years, and though I do know I'm highly inexperienced in this way of life compared to anyone who has been married longer than a mere two years, I cannot restrain myself from writing some thoughts I've had about it.

So, bear with me if I'm trite today - I simply wish to share some things I've learned from these two eye-opening, and very growing years I have had with my husband so far. :)

You know the question "where do you see yourself in five years?" that people love to ask at summer camps or in semi-deep conversations? Well... if someone had told me where I'd be in five years when I was a 16-year-old junior in high school, my first question might have been exactly how they thought such a future in the distant five years ahead of me was possible.

Five years really isn't that long, I'm coming to realize, the older I become. And truly, it does feel like I've been married much longer than only two years. A lot has happened to me since I walked down the aisle... And I'm speculating now at just how behind I could have been in my own personal development had I not been fortunate enough to get married at the green age of nineteen. Boy, I knew absolutely nothing then. Not to say I know everything there is to know now that I can check off two years of marriage, but I hope I'm a trifle more knowledgeable.

It's seems so common to hear from people that "the first year of marriage is the hardest" and I'm glad to say that that was certainly not the case for us. Don't mistake me, there was definitely much for us to learn - for me, things about men, for Caleb, things about women, sacrifice (for both of us), what it looked like to each of us what it meant to be and feel genuinely loved, and generally that men and women are starkly different - but it wasn't what I would characterize as a difficult year for us.

Caleb and I are generally very happy people left to our own devices, and together we're even happier. The chemistry of our math has panned out as a very good thing (happy times happy equals happier.) But on a greater scale, I think what we worked the most on in our first year was communicating clearly, and that was what made it all seem easier.

The importance and beauty of perfectly clear communication cannot be exaggerated. It is golden. Even when you think you are doing enough, there is no limit to how equal-minded you can become with your spouse. You learn to communicate on deeper level after deeper level, discovering new depth you couldn't have imagined possible between two human beings. But that is the sweetness of marriage... you can never stop learning, and you will always be learning together, though sometimes at different paces. This is a lesson I look forward to continue learning over and over in my marriage.

Something else I have discovered is that there is no such thing as "50-50." Sacrifice is not 50-50. Even the trapping mindset of "give and take" has no place of belonging in a healthy marriage. With it present, one is easily subject to give in to selfishness and entitlement - surely qualities one doesn't want lingering and festering in one's relationship with their spouse. There is only give and give. I think there is a fine line between entitlement and communicating what needs you have that must be met, else you become resentful when those needs are not met in the marriage. One cannot be demanding or self-important.

One thing I've just started learning this past year is how helpful it is to put myself in Caleb's shoes. When I'm at home all day, waiting for him to get home and possibly having had a difficult day, counting on a break when he walks through that front door, it cannot be stressed enough how necessary it is for me to imagine what his day was like so I can put things in perspective. He might have had a hard day too, and while that certainly doesn't negate how mine was, it in no way enables it to be greater in need in comparison. The home is a sanctuary for the working man. And it is the wife's duty to ensure that it always stays that way.

Duty - not typically a word I would first think of when describing marriage, but it is important. Establishing a sense of duty in oneself takes practice, and I am no proficient. I think that maybe it's a bit of a grey area simply because it looks different in every marriage - just as there are a different set of expectations in every marriage. It is relevant nonetheless, to have a sense of duty as a husband or wife in one's marriage.

Something we both learned quickly soon after becoming man and wife was that communicating our expectations in one another was a capital necessity. Most of the time, I hardly knew what my expectations of Caleb (much less myself) even were until they weren't being met. Then we talked about it. Funny things, expectations... I think it's good to determine what is realistic versus what should be put on a shelf as a goal to work toward. I know there were unrealistic expectations we both had (and still have) of one another, and when you can clearly distinguish what is possible and what is not, it is exceedingly easier to get over your disappointment and shortcomings and accept things for how they truly are and not what you wish they'd be.

Going off from that tangent... One of the best lessons I've discovered is that in order to KEEP being happy in one's marriage, one must love the one you are with. Window shopping is over. You are married, taken, spoken for. And for me, falling into the mental trap of wishing that my husband could be better at something or wishing about things I would love for him to do or be only leads to dissatisfaction and bitterness. Being content with the spouse you are married to takes practice, and it is important to be vigilant about it. It is so easy to compare one's spouse to others... but it can quickly become a destructive habit if one allows oneself to always be wishing for more. Contentment is key.

One of the things we read about in our premarital counseling book, "Preserve Them, O Lord," (by Fr. John Mack) is of the importance of working on oneself and not going into marriage intending to change your spouse. (This is one of the biggest mistakes people can make when entering a marriage, Fr. Mack says.) The most effective way of changing anyone is to change oneself first and foremost. And it couldn't be truer in our marriage. There is no use in nagging or persuading or threatening. There exists hardly a more stubborn thing than the human will. Thus, all one can do if one seeks change in their spouse is to give up and instead work on oneself diligently. Actions speak louder than words, and with time, change can inspire change.

Conscious, intentional Love - if you've been married more than a year, you know for a fact that the initial twitterpation being engaged engenders truly does wear off. It is something seasonal, but it plays a necessary part. When we were newly in love, I vowed to myself never to "fall out of" infatuation with Caleb. How wonderfully mistaken I was to learn that this incredibly romantic and sometimes ridiculous phase comes to an end. Everything has a time, and love does change. I'm happy to say that we are not the same couple we were three years ago when we were engaged. The budding romantic love deepens into more meaningful, understanding love with time.

There are seasons of love, and even though one may not "feel in love" with one's spouse at some times, it is important to know that it is the decision of consciously and intentionally loving that makes a marriage successful, especially in those phases where you may not be attracted to your spouse. Because, as much as I'm sure we would all love to say that we are unconditionally and hopelessly in love with our spouse, there truly are times when we may not feel so warm and fuzzy about them. But that definitely does not give us permission to act unloving. Love truly is a decision to make at the start of every day we face, regardless of whether or not it is an easy choice.

Ok, here's one of my favorites... As wives, we are called to respect our husbands, and husbands you are called to love us, your wives. This does NOT mean that if my husband is not loving toward me that I am allowed to disrespect him! I am instructed to respect Caleb and submit to him at all times, regardless of how he acts toward me. The same goes for husbands, if we wives are not respecting them or submitting to them, that in no way gives them the go ahead to be unloving toward us. This is more of what I meant when previously mentioning the myth of 50-50 in a marriage. Such a marriage will be short-lived, I'm certain. Here is the illustration, a clear instruction of how we are supposed to live in our married lives, each giving 100% of ourselves and not keeping a tally of how much he did or she did. It does not measure, and it does not matter - that is not the point of marriage.

Fundamentally, the best image I can think of to describe marriage is being forever strapped to a mirror. This mirror reveals the best and worst qualities in us - some we knew were there, others we never could have seen without the mirror. We are forced to look at ourselves through the mirror at all times, whether we want to or not. Sometimes the truth of the mirror is kind, most others, it is painful. But we cannot look away once we see what we are truly made of once portrayed clearly in that mirror. We can try to hide, burying the things we wish not to face in ourselves. But there is no denying what is there once the unabashed truth of ourselves is revealed.

And that, I think, is why growing as a spouse with your spouse is one of the most excruciatingly painful but simultaneously fulfilling and transforming experiences in marriage. We are shaping one another into better people than we could ever have become on our own. Iron against iron, unpolished stone upon unpolished stone, we are such unfinished works of art without our counterparts. I hope I'm perfect when I die. (Only kidding.)

I love being married. The work is hard, but rewarding. But then, ONLY if you work hard at marriage will it be rewarding. I am happier than ever that I chose Caleb to share my life with, and that he chose me back. I am his, and he is mine, and with God, together we are whole, we are one.

Thank you Lord, for these two years with my beloved.


Here's the Quote of the Day:

"Marriage is the key of moderation and the harmony of the desires, the seal of a deep friendship... the unique drink from a fountain enclosed, inaccessible to those without. United in the flesh, one in spirit, they urge each other on by the goad of their mutual love. For marriage does not remove God, but brings all closer to Him. for it is God Himself who draws us to it."

~ St. Gregory the Theologian (quote from "Preserve Them, O Lord")

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Proverbs 31 Woman

I was paging through a notebook of mine, searching for some spare blank space, and came across some Scripture verses I'd written down a while back. Something I like to do is practice penmanship, and what better way to practice than with the extensive, unlimited Scripture verses that I normally ingest much more easily than when I'm just reading them?

That said... a favorite of mine to write out is the last Proverbs chapter on the Wife of Noble Character or the Virtuous Wife.

I am not a knowledgeable priest, nor a scholarly seminarian, and hardly a theologian, but I just wanted to share my thoughts on what it means to me to strive to be that wife portrayed so beautifully in Proverbs.

It is not an easy calling to be a good wife. A GOOD wife. Sure, just about anyone can be a wife. But I want to be more than that. I want to strive to be what God esteems as this Wife of Noble Character.

"Who will find a courageous wife? For such a one is more valuable than precious stones."

Just the first two sentences sum it up for me.

"The heart of her husband trusts in her. She will not be at a loss for fine spoils, for she provides good things for her husband all her life."

This is truly poetry... the heart of her husband trusts in her - he does not have a worry because his wife is a capable, strong woman.

"She weaves wool and linen cloth and is productive with her hands. She is like a ship trading afar off, so she procures her livelihood."

What I get from this is that a noble wife takes the initiative when she sees an opportunity - she doesn't need anyone to tell her what to do - and she is creative with it, utilizing her talents to do something good and useful for her household, for others, for her family.

"She also rises before dawn and gives food to her household and appoints tasks for her maidservants."

I'm working on the getting up early part, and can already see why this is such a wonderful habit to get into. There is such an accomplished feeling being up before one's child(ren), preparing your mind and body for the day, getting things done, and being entirely ready for them when they wake up. And, seeing as I don't and most likely never will have "maidservants," my thought is that the last bit here could mean there is importance and value in being skilled at delegating. For me, this will certainly include being a successful homeschooling mom who can motivate her children well.

"Seeing a farm, she buys it, and from the fruits of her hands she plants her plot of land."

Again, seizing an opportunity, but with careful consideration... she is wise and hard-working.

"Strongly girding her loins, she strengthens her arms for work. She experiences work as a good thing, and her lamp is not quenched all night. She extends her arms to do profitable things, and she applies her hands to the spindle."

She is capable - physically strong and competent. I certainly need to work on this one. "Her lamp is not quenched all night." Even when she could be resting in the darkness of the evening, she works by the light of her lamp. She doesn't cease her work until it is finished. She has patience, determination, and self-control.

"She opens her hands to the poor and reaches out with her fruit to the needy."

She is a giving and kind woman. She seeks the needs of others and fills them with her generosity.

"Her husband is not anxious about those at home when he spends a long time elsewhere, for all her household are clothed."

This wife is not a needy woman. She is not a child. She is a true woman, who needs no reassurance in the good of her hard work. She is self-sufficient and able to look after her household when her husband is absent. (Not to say that she is fulfilled without her husband, but meaning that she is not useless without him there.)

"She makes a double upper garment for her husband and garments of fine linen and purple for herself. Her husband is respected at the gates and when he sits in council with the elders who inhabit the land. She makes and sells fine linens and girdles to the Canaanites."

She is an industrial woman - practical, skilled and creative. She is good with her hands.

"She opens her mouth carefully and lawfully and controls her tongue. She clothes herself with strength and dignity and rejoices in the last days. She runs her household carefully, and she does not eat the bread of idleness. She opens her mouth wisely and lawfully, and her charity raises her children, and they become rich, and her husband praises her, "Many daughters acquire riches; many do mighty things, but you excel and surpass them all." Desires to please are deceitful, and the beauty of a wife is vain; for a wise wife is blessed, and let her in fear praise the Lord. Give to her from the fruits of her hands, and let her husband praise her at the gates."

Oh to be worthy of such praise! What a calling we have, as wives striving to be godly and dutiful! This wonderful illustration of what it looks like to be such a God fearing wife is certainly no small ambition to achieve.

I have several models of women in my life who exemplify what it means to be this Proverbs 31 wife. They are my real life examples. To my mother, my husband's mother, all of my married sisters, and my many dear married friends - you all teach me how to become a more godly and devoted wife to my husband, step by step, in little ways, (though you may not realize it), and your examples are very admired and looked up to. You inspire me, as does the example given to us all in the Wife of Noble Character, to have the courage and strength to be a worthy wife.


Here's the Quote of the Day: (It's a favorite of mine...)

"Nothing is more powerful than a pious and sensible woman to bring her husband into proper order, and to mold his soul as she wills. For he will not listen to friends, or teachers, or rulers as much as he will his partner advising and counseling him, since the advice carries some pleasures with it, because she who gives the counsel is greatly loved."

~ St. John Chrysostom (a quote from "Preserve Them, O Lord" by Fr. John Mack)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Good Things

I thought this week deserved a post - lots of things have been changing, and all for the better.

So far, I have successfully gotten up at 6 every morning this week with Caleb to get some things done around the house while he works out for an hour before we have breakfast together, and he leaves for work. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Each morning I've battled with my sleepy self about whether or not to fight getting up, but each time without fail, I feel so good about deciding to get out of bed, only minutes after doing so. It's astounding - I really can wake up relatively quickly if I simply put my mind to it. It's just that. Putting my mind to it.

I'll even dare to say that I think I could become a morning person. For the longest time, I've considered myself a night owl (which is true,) and therefore incapable of molding what I thought was my nature into being a so-called morning person. I don't think that's the case though. I believe night owls can become early birds, though it may take time and determination to change the habit. (I'm not sure it works as well the other way around, but that's for another day.) All I'm saying is, I know I can make myself get up and survive through the day to tell the tale. I can even enjoy it.

And now that I'm actually getting up this early (instead of speculating about it with dread), it's the most refreshing, energizing thing I could do to start my day. I can get chores started and some finished in the morning, reward myself with a hearty breakfast with my husband, and then wait for Cillian to wake up as I have some time to do whatever I please. I'm discovering that this series of events making up my morning makes me an exceedingly joyful person. And then I'm more than ready to see Cillian's bouncing smiles once he wakes up and take care of him.

Within the last two weeks, Cillian will sometimes wake up at 8:00 when Caleb leaves, and then we have some breakfast and playtime, and he'll have a good morning nap while I take a shower or nap or get some more things done. I really like this routine. Most mornings he will sleep until 9 or 10 however, in which case he will only have one nap during the day, and our routine takes the Plan B route.

I think the kick for all of this started with a book I got out from the library the past week - it's another one of what I like to call Golden Books. It's my new organizational bible. And I wouldn't be surprised if God planted it there in the library to inspire me to get off my bum and do some real work around the house.

It's called "Secrets to Get Organized in Minutes" by Alex A. Lluch. Just picking up the book itself is motivating... it is a highly organized, easy-to-flip-through little book containing all the useful tips and tricks to organizing your lifestyle, your home, your time, your possessions, and more. And it is presented in such a way that is easy to read and/or refer to.

I was most inspired to work on our master closet, as it was (previously) packed to the brim with disorganized maternity clothes, mostly borrowed, clothes I knew didn't fit me anymore, shoes, and things that generally didn't even belong in the closet to begin with. Now, after a trip to the Container Store* (my new favorite place... see www.containerstore.com) in Cincinnati, a few choice purchases, about 5 hours total of sorting, organizing, purging, and rearranging, and some serious sweat, my side of the closet and my side of the dresser are now so beautiful you might think Martha Stewart herself had come in and spread a little of her magic.

Ok, it's not THAT good... but still, certainly a major improvement, and I couldn't be happier with my highly organized closet space and dresser. Now for Caleb's side of the closet - which, to be honest, really doesn't need all that much work.

I've walked into my closet several times without a reason save to inhale the glorious organizedness of it. It is a beautiful thing to a usually untidy, disorganized person. I intend to maintain its perfect state, not to mention move on to organizing the rest of our home, and work harder to keep my home tidy, neat and clean.

I believe I'm now catching a glimpse of what it means to work joyfully as well as to be joyful in the good of one's work. I'm amazed at the change getting up early and starting the day by working around the house has had in my attitude, my general mood, and my motivation. I think that when I'm in my "funk" kind of states, I tend to stay in them simply because it takes so much energy for me to climb over that hump of slothfulness into the realm of working hard. But once I'm finally there, it is easy. I need to remember how fulfilling this is when I fall into those lapses.

Another good thing is that I, for the first time during a pregnancy, have become interested in drinking coffee regularly. (For anyone wondering - yes, I am allowed to have a cup of coffee's worth of caffeine daily. :)) For some reason, the idea of drinking coffee has never attracted me so much as it suddenly has recently. I'm sure that the caffeine still doesn't affect me, but the knowledge that I'm drinking a cozy substance that normally perks up one's morning certainly helps. Plus, I really do love coffee. I just have never been this interested in having it while pregnant until now. So as a result, I've become pretty good at making delicious coffee!

As a whole, I just feel better and more like what a mother and wife should be. This is a fulfilling lifestyle - organized, motivated, and hard working.


Here's the Quote of the Day:

"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~ Lowell Thomas


* For anyone who is interested to know, I discovered that a Container Store is soon to open here in Indianapolis come October of this year. This makes me VERY excited. :)