Some Thoughts on Marriage

I suppose I'm on an introspective kick recently as far as writing goes, and it is refreshing for me. These are things I enjoy pondering about most - ways of life, and most specifically, the married way of life.

I have been married for little over two years, and though I do know I'm highly inexperienced in this way of life compared to anyone who has been married longer than a mere two years, I cannot restrain myself from writing some thoughts I've had about it.

So, bear with me if I'm trite today - I simply wish to share some things I've learned from these two eye-opening, and very growing years I have had with my husband so far. :)

You know the question "where do you see yourself in five years?" that people love to ask at summer camps or in semi-deep conversations? Well... if someone had told me where I'd be in five years when I was a 16-year-old junior in high school, my first question might have been exactly how they thought such a future in the distant five years ahead of me was possible.

Five years really isn't that long, I'm coming to realize, the older I become. And truly, it does feel like I've been married much longer than only two years. A lot has happened to me since I walked down the aisle... And I'm speculating now at just how behind I could have been in my own personal development had I not been fortunate enough to get married at the green age of nineteen. Boy, I knew absolutely nothing then. Not to say I know everything there is to know now that I can check off two years of marriage, but I hope I'm a trifle more knowledgeable.

It's seems so common to hear from people that "the first year of marriage is the hardest" and I'm glad to say that that was certainly not the case for us. Don't mistake me, there was definitely much for us to learn - for me, things about men, for Caleb, things about women, sacrifice (for both of us), what it looked like to each of us what it meant to be and feel genuinely loved, and generally that men and women are starkly different - but it wasn't what I would characterize as a difficult year for us.

Caleb and I are generally very happy people left to our own devices, and together we're even happier. The chemistry of our math has panned out as a very good thing (happy times happy equals happier.) But on a greater scale, I think what we worked the most on in our first year was communicating clearly, and that was what made it all seem easier.

The importance and beauty of perfectly clear communication cannot be exaggerated. It is golden. Even when you think you are doing enough, there is no limit to how equal-minded you can become with your spouse. You learn to communicate on deeper level after deeper level, discovering new depth you couldn't have imagined possible between two human beings. But that is the sweetness of marriage... you can never stop learning, and you will always be learning together, though sometimes at different paces. This is a lesson I look forward to continue learning over and over in my marriage.

Something else I have discovered is that there is no such thing as "50-50." Sacrifice is not 50-50. Even the trapping mindset of "give and take" has no place of belonging in a healthy marriage. With it present, one is easily subject to give in to selfishness and entitlement - surely qualities one doesn't want lingering and festering in one's relationship with their spouse. There is only give and give. I think there is a fine line between entitlement and communicating what needs you have that must be met, else you become resentful when those needs are not met in the marriage. One cannot be demanding or self-important.

One thing I've just started learning this past year is how helpful it is to put myself in Caleb's shoes. When I'm at home all day, waiting for him to get home and possibly having had a difficult day, counting on a break when he walks through that front door, it cannot be stressed enough how necessary it is for me to imagine what his day was like so I can put things in perspective. He might have had a hard day too, and while that certainly doesn't negate how mine was, it in no way enables it to be greater in need in comparison. The home is a sanctuary for the working man. And it is the wife's duty to ensure that it always stays that way.

Duty - not typically a word I would first think of when describing marriage, but it is important. Establishing a sense of duty in oneself takes practice, and I am no proficient. I think that maybe it's a bit of a grey area simply because it looks different in every marriage - just as there are a different set of expectations in every marriage. It is relevant nonetheless, to have a sense of duty as a husband or wife in one's marriage.

Something we both learned quickly soon after becoming man and wife was that communicating our expectations in one another was a capital necessity. Most of the time, I hardly knew what my expectations of Caleb (much less myself) even were until they weren't being met. Then we talked about it. Funny things, expectations... I think it's good to determine what is realistic versus what should be put on a shelf as a goal to work toward. I know there were unrealistic expectations we both had (and still have) of one another, and when you can clearly distinguish what is possible and what is not, it is exceedingly easier to get over your disappointment and shortcomings and accept things for how they truly are and not what you wish they'd be.

Going off from that tangent... One of the best lessons I've discovered is that in order to KEEP being happy in one's marriage, one must love the one you are with. Window shopping is over. You are married, taken, spoken for. And for me, falling into the mental trap of wishing that my husband could be better at something or wishing about things I would love for him to do or be only leads to dissatisfaction and bitterness. Being content with the spouse you are married to takes practice, and it is important to be vigilant about it. It is so easy to compare one's spouse to others... but it can quickly become a destructive habit if one allows oneself to always be wishing for more. Contentment is key.

One of the things we read about in our premarital counseling book, "Preserve Them, O Lord," (by Fr. John Mack) is of the importance of working on oneself and not going into marriage intending to change your spouse. (This is one of the biggest mistakes people can make when entering a marriage, Fr. Mack says.) The most effective way of changing anyone is to change oneself first and foremost. And it couldn't be truer in our marriage. There is no use in nagging or persuading or threatening. There exists hardly a more stubborn thing than the human will. Thus, all one can do if one seeks change in their spouse is to give up and instead work on oneself diligently. Actions speak louder than words, and with time, change can inspire change.

Conscious, intentional Love - if you've been married more than a year, you know for a fact that the initial twitterpation being engaged engenders truly does wear off. It is something seasonal, but it plays a necessary part. When we were newly in love, I vowed to myself never to "fall out of" infatuation with Caleb. How wonderfully mistaken I was to learn that this incredibly romantic and sometimes ridiculous phase comes to an end. Everything has a time, and love does change. I'm happy to say that we are not the same couple we were three years ago when we were engaged. The budding romantic love deepens into more meaningful, understanding love with time.

There are seasons of love, and even though one may not "feel in love" with one's spouse at some times, it is important to know that it is the decision of consciously and intentionally loving that makes a marriage successful, especially in those phases where you may not be attracted to your spouse. Because, as much as I'm sure we would all love to say that we are unconditionally and hopelessly in love with our spouse, there truly are times when we may not feel so warm and fuzzy about them. But that definitely does not give us permission to act unloving. Love truly is a decision to make at the start of every day we face, regardless of whether or not it is an easy choice.

Ok, here's one of my favorites... As wives, we are called to respect our husbands, and husbands you are called to love us, your wives. This does NOT mean that if my husband is not loving toward me that I am allowed to disrespect him! I am instructed to respect Caleb and submit to him at all times, regardless of how he acts toward me. The same goes for husbands, if we wives are not respecting them or submitting to them, that in no way gives them the go ahead to be unloving toward us. This is more of what I meant when previously mentioning the myth of 50-50 in a marriage. Such a marriage will be short-lived, I'm certain. Here is the illustration, a clear instruction of how we are supposed to live in our married lives, each giving 100% of ourselves and not keeping a tally of how much he did or she did. It does not measure, and it does not matter - that is not the point of marriage.

Fundamentally, the best image I can think of to describe marriage is being forever strapped to a mirror. This mirror reveals the best and worst qualities in us - some we knew were there, others we never could have seen without the mirror. We are forced to look at ourselves through the mirror at all times, whether we want to or not. Sometimes the truth of the mirror is kind, most others, it is painful. But we cannot look away once we see what we are truly made of once portrayed clearly in that mirror. We can try to hide, burying the things we wish not to face in ourselves. But there is no denying what is there once the unabashed truth of ourselves is revealed.

And that, I think, is why growing as a spouse with your spouse is one of the most excruciatingly painful but simultaneously fulfilling and transforming experiences in marriage. We are shaping one another into better people than we could ever have become on our own. Iron against iron, unpolished stone upon unpolished stone, we are such unfinished works of art without our counterparts. I hope I'm perfect when I die. (Only kidding.)

I love being married. The work is hard, but rewarding. But then, ONLY if you work hard at marriage will it be rewarding. I am happier than ever that I chose Caleb to share my life with, and that he chose me back. I am his, and he is mine, and with God, together we are whole, we are one.

Thank you Lord, for these two years with my beloved.


Here's the Quote of the Day:

"Marriage is the key of moderation and the harmony of the desires, the seal of a deep friendship... the unique drink from a fountain enclosed, inaccessible to those without. United in the flesh, one in spirit, they urge each other on by the goad of their mutual love. For marriage does not remove God, but brings all closer to Him. for it is God Himself who draws us to it."

~ St. Gregory the Theologian (quote from "Preserve Them, O Lord")